God Never Asked You to Fit In: Building a Marriage That Stands Out

Ben Kjar was born with Crouzon Syndrome, a facial difference that made doctors certain about one thing. He would not live an ordinary life. Ben's response shaped everything that followed. If there is no chance of living ordinary, I will live extraordinary instead.

Nick and Alex Leyva host the Epic Marriage Podcast, where they bring together researchers, family scientists, therapists, and couples who have built marriages that last. Nick studied at BYU's School of Family Life, ranked as the top family science program in the world, while Alex brings the lived experience of a wife and mother raising five children alongside her husband. Together, they explore what decades of academic research and modern revelation teach about covenant relationships.

In this episode, they sit down with Ben and LaCol Kjar to unpack a love story that defied expectations, challenged medical limitations, and chose marriage over mission the night before departure. The Kjars prove that extraordinary marriages happen when you choose each other even when the path is not perfectly clear.

Watch Me Become the Anomaly

Ben became Utah Valley University's first All-American wrestler in 2011 in the 125-pound division. Doctors told him to stay away from contact sports. Wrestling would be impossible. His face could not handle the impact. Ben looked at those professionals and responded with two words. Watch me. He became the exception. The one who refused to obey when culture said something was impossible. With parents, siblings, and an incredible wife standing by his side, Ben defied odds that seemed insurmountable.

His story mirrors David facing Goliath. Everyone told David to stay back, bring the food, and let real warriors handle the fight. David saw that nobody else would step up and decided to save people himself. Strategy matters. Approach matters. But so does refusing to listen when everyone says you are not enough. Ben believes God has been central to his journey. People in his corner believed in extraordinary instead of settling for "safe." That support allowed him to push past limitations that seemed absolute.

Being Seen in the Right Places

LaCol Kjar ran track at Utah Valley University. She kept seeing Ben's posters plastered everywhere around campus. She felt drawn to understand who he was and what made him tick. So she added him on Facebook and slid into his DMs. Ben messaged back and nervously tried to make their meeting sound casual. LaCol called him out immediately. Is this a hangout or a date? Ben panicked. He said it was a date. LaCol responded with one word. Good. Alex relates to this instantly. She told Nick after their first kiss that they were either boyfriend and girlfriend or the relationship was not continuing. No ambiguity. No casual exploration. If you are going to be physical, define the relationship.

LaCol came home from that first date and told her roommate she was in trouble. She thought she might be in love with this guy. The problem? She had just turned in her mission papers the day before. Ben explains that where you are seen matters as much as what you say directly to someone you are dating. If their cousin sees you serving at a soup kitchen, that says something. If their friend runs into you at the Institute studying scriptures, that creates credibility.

LaCol confirms this changed everything for her. At first, she wondered if Ben's kindness was too good to be true. Was he faking it? Performing for her attention? Then she saw how he treated his mom and sisters. That revealed the truth. This is who he actually is. This is genuine. He is not pretending. Family becomes a mirror for who someone really is. You cannot fake it around siblings. They will call you out instantly if you are acting different than normal. When LaCol saw Ben's genuine care for the women in his family, she knew his character went all the way through.

The Only Question That Mattered

Riley is married to LaCol's twin sister. Before Riley proposed, his future father-in-law asked one question. Are you honest? Not about daily scripture study. Not about how many times he had read the Bible. Not about prayer habits or church attendance. Just one question about character. Are you honest? If you are an honest person, that creates an incredible foundation for everything that comes next in marriage. Ben heard this story, and it shifted his entire perspective. Honesty matters more than appearing righteous. Integrity in small moments when nobody is watching builds trust that sustains relationships through decades.

The Night Before Italy

LaCol had turned in her mission papers. She was called to Italy. Her favorite food is Italian. Everything lined up perfectly for an incredible 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The night before LaCol was supposed to be set apart, literally hours before she would leave, Ben showed up at her home. LaCol faced a decision that would change everything. Mission or marriage. Both good choices. Both would lead to growth and blessings. But she could only choose one. She had told Ben previously that if they kept dating and she stayed home from her mission, they were getting married. There would be no ambiguous "let's see if we can figure this out." She drew clear boundaries about what staying meant.

Alex relates deeply to this story. Nick gave her two weeks between proposing and her MTC report date. Ben gave LaCol zero weeks. He literally proposed the night before departure. LaCol's parents were not happy. Friends thought she was crazy. Even some siblings questioned whether she really knew this guy well enough. But LaCol knew the answer. She and Ben had prayed, experienced sacred moments in the temple, and received confirmation. The timing felt impossibly rushed. Looking back, LaCol realizes they did not need more time. God gave them exactly what they needed when they needed it.

When Opposition Confirms the Path

During their engagement, whenever Ben and LaCol separated from each other, adversarial attacks intensified. Negative thoughts flooded in. People would approach LaCol asking whether she was sure about this decision. Does this make sense? She got hammered by doubt and criticism. The darkness felt overwhelming. But the second they came together, all that darkness dissipated. Light returned. She could see the path clearly again. That pattern became a testament that their marriage was supposed to happen.

The adversary always attacks hardest when you are doing something you are supposed to do. Watch for that pattern. When opposition intensifies around a righteous decision, that often confirms you are on the right path rather than indicating you chose wrong. Alex experienced the same thing. Long-distance engagement between California and Nevada. People telling her they would advise their own daughter not to do this. Begging Heavenly Father just to tell her what to do instead of making her choose. The lesson both couples learned centers on agency. God was not closing the heavens. He was teaching them to choose, to exercise faith, and to move forward without perfect clarity. Agency is a gift even when it feels like torture.

Better Because of Marriage

Ben destroys the myth that marriage derails your dreams or limits your potential. He became a better athlete after marrying LaCol. He slept better because she was next to him. He ate better because she was there with him. On wrestling trips to tournaments, Ben would sneak LaCol into his room. Nights when nerves kept him awake and anxiety threatened his performance, LaCol would hold him. That was the only thing that gave him assurance he could show up the next day and compete. She allowed him to become the man he was supposed to be.

The message applies to everyone listening. Life after marriage is absolutely different, and different means better. True adventure begins after a covenant commitment, not before it. Ben and LaCol have traveled to over 50 countries. They have lived in a shoe box apartment and wondered how to check out of Costco with no money in the bank. They have faced moments where LaCol asked how they were going to survive financially. But they stayed. They chose each other. Some days, they hated each other. Some days, they wondered who they had married. But they did not give up. They waited for another day. They said sorry. They admitted being idiots and morons. They asked for forgiveness. Ben challenges couples directly. "You know what? I would rather fight with you than anyone else. Let's just learn to fight a little bit better. Let's suck a little less every day. Let's choose each other."

Standing Out Is the Point

Ben's stake president gave him advice that cut through all his hesitation. Ben sat in an interview explaining his situation with LaCol. The stake president reached across the table and acted like he was going to smack Ben in the face. Ben sat there confused. Then the stake president sat back and gave a little chuckle. What are you waiting for? Are you living in a box? Are you homeless? Do you not have food? What are you waiting for? Do you have enough money for a ring? The point landed hard. People say they will get married when they make enough money. When they can support each other. When the timing is perfect. When everything lines up. There will never be a perfect time. You will not be prepared enough for marriage, for kids, for any of it. When you feel like you found someone and you have confirmation from God, you move forward anyway.

Everyone is quirky. Everyone's family is weird in some way. Their family will be cooler than yours in some areas. Yours will be cooler than theirs in others. You figure it out together. The Kjars prove that standing out is exactly what God asks of couples. Not fitting into cultural timelines or meeting arbitrary financial thresholds before commitment. Not waiting until you have everything figured out. Not avoiding marriage because you worry it will limit your potential. God never asked you to fit in. He asked you to stand out. To be extraordinary when ordinary feels safer. To choose the person He confirms for you even when the timing makes no sense. To stay married even when some days you do not like each other.

See Their Story

The Kjars' journey is featured in Stand Out: The Ben Kjar Story, releasing in theaters January 23, 2026 through Angel Studios. Early screenings have sold out across the country. People are hosting private screenings in Atlanta, New York, and California because after watching the film, they cannot keep it to themselves. Viewers compare it favorably to The Greatest Showman. The acting connects. The music moves you. The message changes how you see obstacles and limitations.

This is Part 1 of a two-episode series with Ben Kjar and LaCol Kjar. Listen to the full conversation on the Epic Marriage Podcast to hear how Ben became UVU's first All-American wrestler after doctors said contact sports were impossible, why LaCol chose marriage over her mission to Italy the night before leaving, and how choosing each other through financial struggle and adversarial attacks created a love story that stands out.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where Ben and LaCol dive deeper into refusing to settle for ordinary. Watch their story in Stand Out: The Ben Kjar Story, releasing in theaters January 23, 2026 through Angel Studios. Get tickets at standoutfilm.com. Visit YourEpicMarriage.com for resources designed for temple-sealed couples building marriages that last.

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