I Is for Intentional: Your Spouse Deserves More Than Your Leftovers | EPIC Marriage (Part 3 of 4)
You are juggling kids, careers, church callings, house projects, and whatever is left of your energy by 9 p.m. Your calendar is full. Your to-do list is longer than your patience. And somewhere in the noise of all that productivity, your marriage started running on leftover fuel. You did not plan it that way. Nobody does. But that is exactly what drifting looks like, and it is one of the most dangerous patterns in a covenant marriage.
That question of "Are we building something together, or are we just surviving side by side?" sits at the center of Nick and Alex Leyva's third installment in their four-part EPIC Marriage miniseries. EPIC stands for Eternal, Playful, Intentional, and Christ-centered. Part 3 tackles the "I": Intentional. Nick and Alex host the Epic Marriage Podcast, where they combine decades of academic research and modern revelation to help Latter-day Saint couples build marriages that last. Nick studied at BYU's School of Family Life, one of the leading family science programs in the world. Alex brings the lived experience of a wife and mother raising five children. Together, they refuse to confuse busyness with progress.
Vision Is Not Optional
Proverbs 29:18 teaches that without vision, the people perish. Nick and Alex apply that directly to marriage. If you do not have a guiding vision for your relationship, your daily intentions will be dictated by whatever screams loudest: the school schedule, your boss, the whining child, or the notification on your phone. None of those things care about your marriage.
Intention is not the same as a calendar. Following a packed schedule does not mean you are being intentional. It often means you are surviving by the seat of your pants. True intention is tied to becoming, not just accomplishing. Alex shares that she used to plan her life five to ten years out, focused entirely on what she would achieve. Over time, she realized the real question was not what she would accomplish, but who she and Nick were becoming together.
Elder Bednar's teaching that you do not find the marriage you want but create it applies directly here. Intentionality means you are actively shaping your relationship instead of letting life's demands shape it for you. If you are not creating the marriage you want, you are passively accepting whatever shows up.
Sliding Versus Deciding
Nick introduces a framework from BYU professor Larry Nelson called "sliding versus deciding." Sliding is living like a leaf in the wind. You go where culture pushes you, where your mood takes you, or where the next sugar crash drops you. Deciding is living like a son or daughter of God who remembers they are here on earth for a purpose.
In a marriage context, sliding sounds like familiar phrases that most couples have said at least once:
We will connect when things slow down.
We will go on a date when we have more money.
We will talk about it when the kids are older.
I will lead when I feel more confident.
We will fix this later.
Those statements feel reasonable in the moment - but "later" rarely comes. Deciding looks different. It is small, daily, and consistent. It does not require perfect conditions. It requires choosing to act now, imperfectly, and giving your spouse grace when they try imperfectly, too.
Nick points out that you cannot control everything, but you can control what you do next. That single principle turns the overwhelming nature of intentional living into something manageable. You do not need to overhaul your entire life by Friday. You just need to make one deliberate choice today.
The Parable of the Wedge
One of the most striking moments in the episode is Alex reading the "Parable of the Wedge" by Samuel T. Whitman, a story shared by both President Monson and President Hinckley in general conference. A young boy finds an iron wedge and places it between the limbs of a young walnut tree, planning to move it after dinner. He never does. Years pass. The wedge grows into the trunk, preventing the limb fibers from knitting together. When a winter ice storm hits, the tree collapses. Not because the storm was too strong, but because the wedge had quietly weakened the tree from within for decades.
Nick and Alex draw the parallel to marriage. The wedge is not the big betrayals or the dramatic fights. The wedge is the unspoken resentment you carry for months. It is the daily dismissiveness that becomes a habit. It is the "I will get to that later" promise about the house project, the conversation, or the date night that never materializes. These small fractures prevent the fibers of your marriage from growing together. And when a real storm hits, the relationship cannot hold.
The good news is that wedges can be identified and removed. Alex asks a direct question: What wedges are sitting in your marriage right now? Maybe it is distraction during conversations. Maybe it is months since you prayed together. Maybe physical affection has disappeared. Naming the wedge is the first step toward pulling it out.
Liberty and Captivity in Marriage
Nick and Alex frame intentionality through 2 Nephi 2:27, which teaches that men are free to choose liberty and eternal life or captivity and death. They translate those terms into the daily reality of marriage. Liberty in marriage looks like honesty, repair, devotion, pursuit, and humility. Captivity in marriage looks like avoidance, resentment, distraction, ego, and the resignation of "I guess it is what it is."
That last phrase gets particular attention. Nick and Alex acknowledge that some things genuinely are what they are. But when couples use that phrase to justify stagnation in their relationship, it becomes an excuse to stop exercising agency. Choosing captivity in marriage does not look dramatic. It looks like being too busy to connect, too tired to try, and too resentful to forgive. It looks normal and even successful on the surface.
The antidote is agency exercised on purpose. You choose human connection over phone notifications. You choose date night over exhaustion. You choose honesty over avoidance. And when you fail at it, you try again tomorrow without waiting for perfect conditions.
The Vision, Wedge, One Move Challenge
Nick and Alex close with a three-part challenge that any couple can start this week:
Define your vision. What do you want your marriage to look like in 90 days? Use just three words to describe it. You do not need an essay.
Identify a wedge. Name one thing that is preventing the fibers of your marriage from knitting together. Be specific: distraction during talks, absence of prayer, lack of physical affection, an avoided conversation.
Choose one intentional action. Pick something you can do daily and measure for seven days. A ten-minute phone-free conversation. A six-second kiss (not a peck). Planning one date without being reminded. Praying together before bed. Small, daily, measurable.
After the discussion, Nick and Alex encourage couples to pray together about what they discovered. Ask Heavenly Father to help remove the wedges and knit your hearts together. Ask for help following through on the one intentional action you committed to for the next seven days.
Looking Ahead: C is for Christ-Centered
This is Part 3 of a four-part EPIC Marriage miniseries. Listen to the full conversation on the Epic Marriage Podcast to hear Nick and Alex explain sliding versus deciding, the Parable of the Wedge, and the practical challenge of vision, wedge, and one move.
Coming next: Part 4, C is for Christ-centered. This final installment will bring the entire EPIC framework full circle.
Visit YourEpicMarriage.com for resources created for temple-sealed couples who want their relationship to reflect its eternal significance.
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Elder Bednar's Talk on Marriage
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