Marriage Makes You Holy, Not Happy. A BYU Sex Researcher Explains Why That's Good News
Most couples walk into marriage expecting happiness. They imagine shared laughter, easy compatibility, and a partner who completes them. Then reality arrives. The disagreements feel personal. The differences seem bigger than expected. The work required exceeds what anyone mentioned at the wedding. Dr. Chelom Leavitt has watched this pattern unfold for decades. As a sex researcher and associate professor at Brigham Young University, she has spent her career studying what actually makes marriages succeed. But Dr. Leavitt doesn't just study marriage from a laboratory. Married for 36 years with nine children, she brings lived experience that matches her academic credentials. She teaches courses on healthy sexuality, marriage, and marriage preparation at BYU, where students consistently report that her classes change how they view relationships entirely.
Nick Leyva, who studied at BYU's School of Family Life, took one of her courses as a married father of two. He expected the class to be another checkbox on his degree. Instead, he encountered teachings about sexuality and marriage that he had never heard in church settings. In this episode of the Epic Marriage Podcast, Nick and Alex Leyva sit down with Dr. Leavitt to explore why Latter-day Saints should understand healthy sexuality better than anyone but often don't. The conversation covers the developmental purpose of marriage, the difference between conflict and contention, and why inviting God into your relationship softens you in all the right ways.
The Holiness We Keep Missing
Dr. Leavitt doesn't mince words when asked about the biggest problem facing marriages today. We are devaluing marriage to our own detriment. Our culture has become obsessed with self-centeredness, and that obsession is destroying relationships before they have a chance to grow. The pattern is predictable. If something doesn't make me happy today, I toss it out. If my spouse frustrates me, I start wondering if I married the wrong person. If marriage feels hard, something must be broken. Dr. Leavitt challenges this assumption directly. Marriage isn't designed to make you happy. It's designed to make you holy. That distinction matters more than most couples realize. Happiness depends on circumstances, while holiness depends on character. Happiness fluctuates with moods, seasons, and life stages while holiness develops through friction, sacrifice, and choosing to stay when leaving feels easier.
No one tests your patience like your spouse. No one reveals your selfishness like your children. No one exposes your weaknesses like the people who live with you day after day. That exposure isn't a design flaw in marriage. It's the entire point. Dr. Leavitt acknowledges that you can reject marriage and focus on career instead. That's a valid choice. But you're undermining development that only comes through giving yourself honestly to another person. The growth that happens through covenant commitment cannot be replicated in any other setting.
Body and Spirit Working Together
Latter-day Saints have doctrine that should give them the deepest understanding of healthy sexuality. The restored gospel teaches that body and spirit combine to create the soul. Physical bodies aren't obstacles to spirituality. They're essential to it. Dr. Leavitt points out that we're one of very few religions that teach this truth. Most Christian traditions inherited a belief that the body is something to reject or overcome. Spirituality happens despite the flesh, not through it. But Latter-day Saint doctrine says the opposite. Not everybody will hear about Jesus Christ during their mortal journey, but everybody gets a body. That universal gift carries significance we often miss. Understanding the value, gifts, and purpose of our physical experience adds to our spirituality rather than detracting from it.
Yet many church members grow up with negative attitudes toward their bodies and sexuality. They absorb cultural shame that contradicts their own doctrine. They treat intimacy as something to tolerate rather than celebrate within covenant marriage. Dr. Leavitt has made it her mission to correct this misunderstanding. Her research shows that sexuality within committed relationships strengthens marriage emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When couples understand this truth, everything about how they approach intimacy shifts. Sex becomes a tool for building unity rather than a source of tension and mismatched expectations.
Conflict Brings You Closer
Every married couple faces moments when they disagree. The question isn't whether conflict will happen but how you'll respond when it does. Dr. Leavitt makes a distinction that saves marriages. Conflict and contention are not the same thing. Conflict says "I feel differently than you feel. Now let's be curious about why." Contention says "I'm right, you're wrong" and digs in. Conflict has the potential to bring couples closer together. When you approach disagreement with genuine curiosity about your spouse's perspective, you learn things about them you didn't know. You discover why they value what they value. Contention divides. Pride kicks in, and both partners retreat to their corners. Communication stops. Resentment builds. The relationship fractures a little more with each hostile exchange.
Many couples believe they're being peacemakers by avoiding hard conversations. They tamp things down. They shut up to keep the peace. Dr. Leavitt calls this approach what it actually is. That is not a long-term solution. We are adding interest onto the problem by avoiding. Silence doesn't create peace. It creates debt. Dr. Leavitt offers a practical framework called the 24-hour rule. When conflict arises, give it 24 hours before addressing it directly. Use that time for internal reflection, not festering resentment. Ask yourself what you contributed to the problem. Consider whether you overreacted or misunderstood. If it still bothers you after 24 hours, bring it to your partner with humility and curiosity rather than accusations. This approach creates space for reflection while maintaining accountability to actually address issues that matter.
Inviting God Into Your Marriage
Alex Leyva asks a question that gets to the heart of covenant relationships. In a practical sense, how does inviting God into a marriage change things? Dr. Leavitt's answer is simple. In every way. God softens us in all the right ways. That softening enables the courage required to stay curious instead of hostile. It builds the patience needed to hear your spouse's perspective even when you disagree. It develops the charity that covers a multitude of sins and weaknesses. Being long-suffering is gut-wrenching work. Practicing tolerance when your spouse frustrates you doesn't come naturally. Extending charity to someone who just hurt your feelings requires supernatural help. That's exactly what God provides.
Nick shares a vulnerable moment that illustrates why commitment matters. He describes times when he needed to share something with Alex but felt terrified. He thought she would hate him. He believed she would despise him because of parts of himself he had been trying to hide. When he finally revealed those things, Alex held him. She told him she had seen those parts all along and loved him anyway. Dr. Leavitt points to this experience as the fruit of commitment. When you know your spouse is sticking with you through thick and thin, you feel safe enough to reveal who you really are. Commitment creates the foundation for vulnerability. And vulnerability is where real intimacy happens.
Building Something That Lasts
Marriage is tough. Dr. Leavitt doesn't pretend otherwise. With 36 years of experience and nine children, she knows exactly how hard covenant relationships can be. But that difficulty serves a purpose. The friction refines you. The sacrifice shapes you. The choice to stay when leaving feels easier transforms you into someone you couldn't become any other way. Your marriage has the potential to make you holy if you allow it to. That potential doesn't activate automatically through a temple sealing. It requires daily intentional commitment and curiosity instead of contempt.
Start by examining how you approach conflict in your relationship. Are you building connection through honest conversation, or are you adding interest to unresolved issues through silence? Consider whether you've absorbed cultural shame about your body and sexuality that contradicts Latter-day Saint doctrine. Most importantly, remember that marriage won't always make you happy. Some seasons feel like endurance tests. But those hard moments are exactly where holiness develops. Listen to the full conversation with Dr. Chelom Leavitt on the Epic Marriage Podcast and visit YourEpicMarriage.com for resources designed specifically for temple-sealed couples who want their relationship to reflect the eternal significance it carries.
#EpicMarriage #TempleMarriage #LatterDaySaints #CovenantRelationship #MarriageSuccess #EternalMarriage #MarriagePodcast #MarriageAdvice #CovenantCouples #FaithfulMarriage #HealthySexuality #BYU
Follow Epic Marriage: Website: YourEpicMarriage.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/epicmarriageoffical
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@epicmarriage
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/epic_marriage/
X: https://x.com/epicmarriagepod
Chelom Leavitt:
Website: https://drchelomleavitt.com/
Comments