Slow Down to Connect Deeper: What Sex Research Reveals About Intimacy in Marriage

The average sexual experience lasts five minutes. Dr. Chelom Leavitt, sex researcher and associate professor at BYU, shares this statistic without judgment. But she knows what it reveals. Men can go from no arousal to orgasm in about five minutes. Women need an average of twenty minutes. Those numbers tell a story about thousands of marriages where only one spouse's needs matter.

Nick and Alex Leyva host the Epic Marriage Podcast, where they bring together researchers, family scientists, therapists, and couples who have built marriages that last. Nick studied at BYU's School of Family Life, ranked as the top family science program in the world, while Alex brings the lived experience of a wife and mother raising five children alongside her husband. Together, they explore what decades of academic research and modern revelation teach about covenant relationships.

In this second episode with Dr. Leavitt, they tackle topics most Latter-day Saints feel uncomfortable discussing: sexuality, intimacy, and physical connection in marriage. The first episode explored how marriage develops you as a person. This conversation focuses on the beautiful fruits that emerge when couples feel safe enough to be vulnerable with each other.

Why Disciples Struggle to Connect Spirituality and Sexuality  

Nick opens with a question many members wrestle with. As disciples of Christ, why do we feel like being a disciple and intimacy don't go hand in hand? Dr. Leavitt's answer cuts through the discomfort. Satan understands how bonding and unifying sex can be in covenant marriage, so he distorts it through culture. Instead of the beautiful, other-focused activity God intended, sex gets portrayed as selfish pleasure-seeking where partners become interchangeable. You only have to engage with modern culture briefly to see the distortion everywhere. Sex isn't discussed as giving and devotion. It's framed as "my pleasure, my selfishness, what do I get out of it?" The lie of Babylon says that "having frequent sex with multiple new and different partners will increase arousal, instead of sharing the truth, that settling down, committing, and focusing on one person as the landscape where true pleasure and deep satisfaction are found.

Dr. Leavitt quotes Elder Holland's talk "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments," where he describes sex as a melding of lives. We're giving everything—our dreams, weaknesses, disappointments, and bodies—to each other in this deeply meaningful way. She also references Timothy Keller, a pastor and therapist, who explains that when we share our deepest emotions with our spouse and become vulnerable, we're undressing ourselves emotionally. The natural outgrowth of that emotional vulnerability is to undress physically and share bodies. Deep emotional connection naturally leads to physical connection. The opposite is also true. People who avoid deep emotional work switch partners regularly so they never have to go very deep or get very emotional, or spiritual.

Hookup Culture and the Lie About Experience  

Nick points out the modern dating landscape, where apps and Hollywood push the idea that more sex with more people creates better experiences. But when he sits and thinks about it, the logic falls apart. Most people don't understand their own bodies. They don't know what foods hurt them or help them. They don't know what exercises damage their joints or build strength. Let alone the sexual aspect. And they certainly don't have long-term practice with another person's body. That only comes through years and repetition in marriage.

Dr. Leavitt agrees but pushes deeper. Even more important than knowing someone's body is knowing their emotions. In all her sex research, the biggest contributing factor to meaningful sex is emotional connection. This isn't just her finding; it's consistent across sex researchers worldwide. If you want higher quality sex and deeper connection, you have to invest in the emotions of your partner and yourself. That means exploring things we often try to avoid because we don't want to go that deep. We're a culture of avoiders. We want the 30-second snippet instead of deep understanding about topics, emotions, or conflicts. We want the soundbite, not the substance.

The Radical Advice: Slow Down  

Alex asks how couples do the emotional work needed to improve their intimate life. Dr. Leavitt's answer runs completely counter to cultural messages: slow down. Every guy hears messages from shows and articles telling them to speed up and increase frequency. But Dr. Leavitt identifies those approaches as entirely male-focused. Sex from a female perspective requires slowing down and prioritizing the quality of the overall relationship. That Time magazine survey revealing five-minute average experiences shows what happens when couples cater only to the male sexual response cycle. The woman gets left behind. Her needs and arousal don't matter as much.

But here's what research shows. When couples slow down, men report having better sex too. They stop feeling pressure to perform as frequently because each experience becomes like a healthy gourmet meal instead of fast food. It's more nourishing. They feel more complete. Men start paying attention to details and nuance instead of staying inside their own heads and thinking about their own pleasure. They notice how it feels to touch their partner and be touched. They track the emotions surfacing. They focus on connection instead of just physical sensation. Women who generally have lower orgasm consistency report higher consistency when the process slows down. Men who already have high consistency (about 95%) see their numbers climb even higher (97%) when they become other-focused and slow down. Everything improves. Physical responses. Emotional connection. The meaning behind sex. All of it gets better when couples reject the cultural message to speed up.

Sex as a Microscope on Your Marriage  

Dr. Leavitt quotes Esther Perel, who said something like, "tell me the kind of lover you are, and I'll know a lot about the kind of person you are." Sex functions as a microscope on your larger relationship. If you're stingy in bed, you're probably stingy everywhere. If you're generous physically, you're likely generous emotionally and practically. If sex creates contention and division, those same patterns probably show up in how you handle conflict, parenting, and finances. Take a common example: differences in desire levels. One spouse wants sex three times a week. The other wants it once every two weeks. How do you approach that gap?

Some couples go to their corners. They manipulate, pout, and get angry. That approach reveals selfishness and unwillingness to understand each other. Other couples get curious. The higher-desire spouse says, "I'm attracted to you and I love you. What's behind this difference? What does sex mean to you? What do you feel during and after?" Those questions build intimate understanding. The lower-desire spouse might become more willing to engage when they understand what it means to their partner. The higher-desire spouse might recognize their partner is exhausted and start helping with other burdens instead of focusing only on one way of connecting. Sex should bring couples together. When it doesn't, something needs examination.

Sex as Sacrament  

Nick connects this conversation to the previous episode's theme about marriage making you holy. If physical intimacy brings couples together, it must be making them more holy somehow. Dr. Leavitt teaches a lecture on the connection between sex and spirituality every year. From a religious standpoint, God designed humans to be sexual beings for a purpose. We commit to one another and journey through life together, working out whatever we face. Sex brings us back together after conflict or disconnection. Oxytocin, the attachment hormone, surges during heightened arousal. It literally bonds couples together emotionally. You feel closer to each other after engaging in sex. That's by design. A loving God who created that biological response wants couples to use it for holy strengthening purposes.

Dr. Leavitt references Elder Holland again, who makes connections between sex and the sacrament. Sex is a gift, just like the sacrament is a gift. Christ gave His body for the benefit of the saints, making atonement effective in our lives. Spouses give their bodies to each other for the strengthening of marriage. We share our bodies to become more unified, to realign ourselves with each other and with God. That requires humility and self-reflection. The symbolism runs deep—giving of ourselves for the benefit of our spouse and the strength of our marriage. Alex says she's never been taught about intimacy this way. Nick admits that even though he took Dr. Leavitt's class at BYU, the teaching didn't stick until now with more life experience behind him.

When Conversations Feel Uncomfortable  

Alex asks the question many listeners are thinking. This sounds great in theory, but what about couples who can't even talk about their sexual relationship? Why are these conversations so uncomfortable? Dr. Leavitt explains that research shows very few couples have in-depth intimate conversations about their sex life. Most people weren't taught to talk about it comfortably in their families. They don't feel comfortable with their own sexuality. Many struggle with body image issues and think they have to look a certain way to be attractive. The path forward requires self-reflection. What have you bought into that contributes to negative attitudes toward sex? How will you start weeding those out?

That might mean finding good resources like podcasts, social media accounts that discuss healthy sexuality, or books that walk through implementation step by step. It's a long process. Everyone is on that journey of weeding out the bad and nourishing the good. At some point, you have to recognize you're caught in a trap that doesn't serve you well. Then you figure out how to move beyond it. Dr. Leavitt offers one final challenge to parents. If you recognize you're not healthy about sexuality, change so your kids don't have to deal with it. Metabolize the poison you've internalized. Don't pass it on to your children. That's transitional character work. Breaking cycles. Transforming your family line.

Take Stock Of Where You Are

Nick closes with a challenge. Take stock of where you are with your sexuality. Be mindful. Think through where you're getting stuck, what's hurting, and where you're being too anxious. Maybe working through those things will take time. Maybe you'll move fast. Maybe this is exactly what you need to reach the next level. If you're seeking an epic marriage, an epic sex life is part of that. You want to be exploratory there and develop that side of your marriage so it can be whole and complete.

Alex adds that the emotional side stands out most to her. Taking a step back and doing internal reflection about vulnerability with your spouse deepens all aspects of marriage, not just physical intimacy. Slowing down. Not numbing. Being real and vulnerable. It sounds scary when you recognize what those words actually mean. But when you do it, it feels so good.

Listen to the full conversation with Dr. Chelom Leavitt on the Epic Marriage Podcast. Visit YourEpicMarriage.com for resources designed specifically for temple-sealed couples who want their relationship to reflect the eternal significance it carries.

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