The Family Proclamation Isn't Exclusionary- It Was Written for You
You're sitting in Relief Society when the teacher brings up the Family Proclamation. Your stomach tightens. Here it comes again, the uncomfortable conversation about gender roles that makes half the room defensive and the other half silent. You've heard "preside" used to justify controlling husbands. You've watched women shrink under the weight of "primarily responsible for nurture" while their husbands coast. Maybe you're wondering if the proclamation even applies to your broken family situation.
What if everything you've been taught about these controversial roles is incomplete? What if the framework that sounds restrictive actually liberates both spouses? Nick and Alex Leyva bring unique credibility to this conversation. Nick studied at BYU's School of Family Life, ranked as the top family science program in the world, where he learned under researchers proving that doctrine and data align. Alex brings lived experience navigating real marriage alongside Nick, raising five children while building something that lasts. Together on the Epic Marriage Podcast, they tackle the uncomfortable topics other marriage shows avoid. They celebrate the Family Proclamation's 30th anniversary by unpacking Elder Ronald A. Rasband's General Conference talk, revealing why this document applies to every person and what "preside" actually means when you strip away generations of misunderstanding.
The Document Everyone's Afraid to Discuss
Nick opens with a bold analogy. The Family Proclamation is the dragon everyone's afraid to chase. In every epic story, there's a mythical creature destroying everything, and the hero must decide to face it while others cower in fear. Members dismiss it as outdated. Critics call it exclusionary. Even believing members feel uncomfortable when lessons address gender roles or family structure.
But avoidance doesn't serve families well. Nick faced this discomfort even at BYU, where students reacted to the word "preside" like nails on a chalkboard. They assumed it meant dominate, control, force. Nick and Alex position themselves as heroes willing to face the dragon. They believe the proclamation isn't the enemy destroying families. Cultural misunderstanding is. When you understand what the proclamation actually teaches, it becomes the sword that defeats the dragon, not the dragon itself.
Who Created This and Why Women Heard It First
President Howard W. Hunter asked Russell M. Nelson to form a committee and draft what would become the defining family document of the restoration. President Nelson served as principal draftsman, working with Elders Oaks, Maxwell, and Faust. After drafting the document, they presented it to all fifteen living apostles who voted unanimously. This wasn't an opinion. This was revelation received, confirmed, and sustained by every apostle. Elder Oaks later wrote that the committee could see into the future, recognizing problems with gender confusion and family destruction.
One detail demolishes accusations of patriarchal control. President Gordon B. Hinckley chose to announce it at a General Relief Society meeting six months before sharing it at General Conference. The prophets went to female leaders first, seeking their input and affirmation before announcing it to anyone else. The proclamation wasn't forced upon women. It was presented to them for their perspective. This collaborative approach demonstrates respect for women's voices in defining family doctrine.
The Proclamation Applies to Everyone
One common objection claims the proclamation excludes people whose families don't match the ideal. Those whose parents divorced. Those experiencing same-sex attraction. Those raised in single-parent homes, by grandparents, in foster care, or in situations far removed from the nuclear family described. Nick addresses this with personal testimony. He and Alex both come from imperfect families. Alex has alcoholism and church inactivity on her side. Nick's family tree includes someone famous for murdering people in Mexico. Neither came from perfect circumstances, yet both embrace the proclamation because it provides the blueprint for what they're building, not condemnation for where they started.
The proclamation applies to every person because it starts with identity, not family structure. The opening declares that each person is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents with divine nature and destiny. Your earthly home situation doesn't determine whether the proclamation applies to you. Alex explains why ideals matter even when your reality falls short. There has to be something you're reaching toward. Heavenly Father doesn't expect perfection in this life. He expects direction. The proclamation isn't about your starting point. It's about your destination.
What Preside Actually Means
The most controversial section addresses gender roles. Fathers are to preside, provide, and protect. Mothers are primarily responsible for nurturing. Elder Rasband clarified what the proclamation actually teaches. Preside does not mean dominate, and nurture does not mean a secondary role. God gave men and women different but equal and essential roles that complement each other. The problem isn't the doctrine. The problem is generations of men who used "preside" to justify controlling behavior.
The key word transforming these roles is accountability, not exclusivity. Nick explains how this works in his marriage. He's accountable for presiding, providing, and protecting. Alex isn't excluded from these roles. She makes decisions, earns income, and keeps their children safe regularly. But ultimately, Nick's neck is on the line. If those three areas aren't being handled well, God will hold him accountable. The same applies to Alex with nurturing. This framework eliminates exhausting score keeping that destroys marriages. When both spouses understand divine accountability, resentment decreases and couples work as unified teams.
Why Three Roles for Men and One for Women
Some people view the three-to-one split as evidence that women receive less responsibility. Nick has prayed deeply about this apparent imbalance. His conclusion surprises people. Those three responsibilities are relatively straightforward. Nurturing is the most complex and demanding responsibility of all. Providing means ensuring food, shelter, and financial stability. Protecting means keeping your family safe. Presiding means leading with love after counseling together. All defined and measurable.
But nurturing? Alex explains what that umbrella covers. It requires understanding each child's unique personality, learning style, emotional needs, and spiritual development. It requires patience through tantrums, wisdom during rebellion, comfort after heartbreak, and celebration of victories. It requires creating an environment where human souls flourish, not merely survive. The proclamation plays to natural strengths while requiring both parents to work together on all four areas. God designed men and women with different capacities that complement each other.
Weekly Check-Ins That Transform Marriage
Alex suggests weekly check-ins using the Family Proclamation's framework. Ask each other these questions. How did you feel like you were presiding this week? How did you feel like you were providing? How did you feel like you were protecting? How did you feel like you were nurturing? Do you feel like God would approve? Are we headed in the right direction, or do we need course correction? These simple questions alter marriage trajectory through small course corrections.
The proclamation also lists specific practices creating family happiness. Faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. Expand check-ins to include these. Print multiple copies of the proclamation. Go through it with your spouse. Highlight principles you want to check in on regularly. This practice keeps families tight without being smothering. It creates unity through shared accountability without demanding perfection.
Understanding the Blueprint
Nick keeps a large framed copy of the Family Proclamation in his office. As a kid when it was issued in 1995, he didn't think much of it. As a husband, father, and family science researcher, everything changed. The proclamation serves as both revealed truth and validated research. The principles taught by modern prophets align perfectly with decades of academic study about what makes marriages succeed.
The 12-14% divorce rate among temple-sealed couples compared to the 63% national average doesn't happen automatically. It comes from couples who understand these restored truths and apply them consistently. Couples who remember their spouse is a child of God deserving patience and forgiveness. Couples who know they're accountable to God for their specific roles. Couples who refuse to give up when seasons get difficult because they understand the eternal significance of what they're building.
Building Something That Lasts
Marriage isn't about achieving perfection. It's about understanding purpose. When you grasp the epic nature of what you're building together, those hard conversations stop feeling like relationship failure and start feeling like part of a narrative celebrating heroic deeds that span eternity. Start by reading the Family Proclamation again with fresh eyes. Study it as a couple. Discuss which restored truths you've numbed yourself to through familiarity.
The proclamation isn't the dragon destroying families. Misunderstanding is. When you strip away the misuse and see what the proclamation actually teaches, it becomes exactly what prophets intended. A roadmap for building families that don't just survive mortality but thrive across eternity. Your marriage has the potential to defeat death, bind your family together forever, and become a narrative celebrating heroic deeds across generations. That potential doesn't activate automatically through the sealing ceremony. It requires understanding the restored truths that make covenant relationships different, then applying those truths daily, even when it's difficult.
Take Your Next Step
The proclamation applies to you. Whatever your family background, whatever your current situation, whatever challenges you face. You are a child of God. That identity qualifies you for everything the proclamation promises. The ideal isn't meant to condemn where you started. It's meant to show you where you can go.
Share this article with one couple you know who needs encouragement in their temple marriage. Epic marriages aren't built in isolation but through community support and shared learning. Visit YourEpicMarriage.com for free resources designed specifically for temple-sealed couples who want their relationship to reflect the eternal significance it carries. Subscribe to Epic Marriage Podcast for weekly conversations tackling what other marriage shows avoid. Nick and Alex bring in experts who can unpack these truths from both spiritual and scientific angles, helping couples move beyond survival mode into marriages that truly thrive.
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