What Your Spouse Actually Needs When They Reach for You | Bids for Connection in Marriage
Most couples do not lose each other in one dramatic moment. They lose each other in a thousand small ones. A wink that goes unnoticed. A touch that gets brushed off. A text that never gets a reply. Over time, the person who kept reaching stops reaching altogether. And the person who kept missing the signals wonders why everything feels so distant.
That pattern sits at the center of Nick and Alex Leyva's latest conversation with marriage and family therapist Tammy Hill on the Epic Marriage Podcast. This is Part 2 of their discussion on playfulness in marriage, and it digs into one of the most practical and overlooked skills in any relationship: learning how to recognize and respond to your spouse's bids for connection.
Tammy has spent years working with couples navigating everything from daily disconnection to serious relational repair. She is the author of Replenish, a book that helps couples rebuild physical and emotional closeness. Her approach combines clinical expertise with a faith-grounded perspective that resonates with Latter-day Saint couples who want their marriages to reflect their covenants.
What a Bid Actually Looks Like
John Gottman's research introduced the concept of bids for connection, and Tammy breaks it down in terms any couple can understand. A bid is any attempt to reach your spouse. It can be a wink, a smile, a hug from behind, snuggling on the couch, bringing home a favorite drink, or simply walking into the room and acknowledging that the other person is there. These are not grand romantic gestures. They are micro-moments of warmth that say I see you and I want to be near you.
What makes bids so important is what happens when they are received well versus when they are missed. Dr. Gottman's research found that couples who respond positively to bids have much more successful, playful relationships. When bids go unacknowledged, distance grows. The person reaching out eventually stops trying, and resentment starts to fill the gap.
This is especially true in long-term marriages where routine, exhaustion, and familiarity can dull a couple's awareness of each other. Tammy notes that in relationships that have been going for years, bids often get lost on each other. The wink stops landing. The touch stops registering. And the couple drifts into functioning side by side without actually connecting.
Why Bids Stop Working
One of the most honest moments in the episode comes when Nick and Alex share their own experience with bids that missed the mark. Nick grew up the oldest of six boys. His default way of showing affection looked a lot like rough housing. He would throw his arm around Alex, hug her the way he greeted his brothers, shake her around a little. Alex had to tell him directly: I am not your brother. I need you to be more gentle.
That exchange highlights something Tammy says every couple needs to learn. You have to communicate about what kinds of bids feel good and which ones do not. If a bid consistently makes your spouse uncomfortable, you need to talk about it. And if a bid is just a little off but not truly bothersome, sometimes the better move is to roll with it and match the energy rather than correct every attempt at connection.
Tammy also addresses the other end of the spectrum. Some bids can feel overbearing, too sexual in front of the kids, or physically too aggressive. In those cases, she encourages couples to have a calm conversation. You might say something like: When we are alone, this could be fun. But in front of the kids, it does not feel comfortable. The goal is to keep the line of connection open while guiding each other toward bids that actually land.
The scale matters. If a bid is mildly annoying, let it go. If it is genuinely uncomfortable, speak up. Both responses protect the relationship.
How to Start Bidding Again When You Have Stopped
For couples who have drifted into roommate mode, the idea of making a playful bid can feel awkward or even impossible. Tammy's advice is simple: talk about it when you are both feeling rested and open. Go on a walk. Sit down after a meal. Ask each other direct questions: What makes you feel connected to me? What kind of touch do you appreciate? What signals tell you that I am thinking about you?
Here are entry points Tammy recommends for couples restarting:
Learn what kind of bid your spouse actually wants. A hug? A favorite drink? A text during the day? Ask them directly.
Create a small signal that belongs to just the two of you. Tammy and her husband, Jeff, have a signal at parties when they are ready to leave and go be alone together. That kind of shorthand keeps the playfulness alive in crowded, chaotic settings.
Write a note or pair a small treat with a playful message. Tammy loves attaching little rhymes or silly sayings to treats she picks up for Jeff.
Start with physical touch that does not carry sexual pressure. Learn each other's erogenous zones. A light touch on the wrist. Playing with hair. Brushing an arm while watching TV. These small gestures build comfort and desire without demanding anything in return.
Be direct. Nick regularly tells Alex something as simple as: I just want to reconnect with you. I just want time one on one with you. That kind of clarity can feel surprisingly reassuring to a spouse who may not realize how much they are needed.
Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt
Tammy closes the episode with one final challenge: give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. When you are exhausted and overstretched, it is easy to be critical. It is easy to notice that your spouse is not bidding the way you want or that their attempts are clumsy or mistimed. But criticism kills connection faster than almost anything else.
Instead, look for the good. See the small ways your spouse is still trying. And then ask two or three specific things that would help you feel more connected. Not a laundry list. Not a lecture. Just a few clear, kind requests that give your spouse a place to start.
The message underneath every bid, no matter how awkward or imperfect, is the same: you are chosen, you are cherished, and you belong here. That message is the oxygen of a covenant marriage. And it does not take a vacation, a therapist, or a perfect evening to deliver it. It takes a wink, a touch, a favorite drink, and the willingness to keep reaching.
This is Part 2 of Nick and Alex Leyva's conversation with Tammy Hill, LMFT, on playfulness in marriage. Listen to the full episode on the Epic Marriage Podcast for more on bids, erogenous zones, and how to rebuild the playful connection that got buried under busy. Visit YourEpicMarriage.com for resources created for temple-sealed couples who want a marriage that does not just last but actually feels good to live in.
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